


If I go, I'm going

by voices_in_my_head



Category: The Haunting of Hill House (TV 2018)
Genre: No Dialogue, just Steve having some feels after the scenes at the house
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-01
Updated: 2018-11-01
Packaged: 2019-08-14 09:17:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16489850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/voices_in_my_head/pseuds/voices_in_my_head
Summary: "It’s the most fucking selfish thing Steve has ever thought but he wishes that he hadn’t seen the body, that he’d gotten in the backseat with Luke and gone to the hospital with his sisters and that only in a few hours would he finally think, “where’s our father?” and his first thought wouldn’t be kind but at least he wouldn’t have to feel like there’s a hole inside of him (...)"





	If I go, I'm going

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, guess who binge-watched the whole thing in barely 24 hours and then got feels? Yeah, me. Enjoy this little ficlet that just wouldn't leave me alone.

Steve pulls over to the side of the road. His breathing is coming fast and loud and he knows that he can’t do this right now, that he has to pull it together and drive safely to the hospital, so that he can be there when Luke wakes up, so that he can hug Theo and Shirley and promise them everything will be alright.

But it’s really hard to remember all that when all he can think is “I’m such a fucking asshole.” For years he treated his father below dog, and for what? To find out his father protected them their whole life from the truth? The truth that their mother was a murderer? It’s the most fucking selfish thing Steve has ever thought but he wishes that he hadn’t seen the body, that he’d gotten in the backseat with Luke and gone to the hospital with his sisters and that only in a few hours would he finally think, “where’s our father?” and his first thought wouldn’t be kind but at least he wouldn’t have to feel like there’s a hole inside of him, swallowing everything good, leaving him only with the shame and the guilt and the self-hatred.

Because his father wasn’t perfect but he was a good man.

He paid for half of Steve’s wedding even though he didn’t ask for it and barely spoke two words to him during the reception. He gave and he gave his money and time to Luke and all he got was spat in the face and he never even met his youngest granddaughter before his youngest daughter’s funeral and how fucked up was that?

And yeah, every single one of them made their choices after mom died, but Steve’s the older brother, he knows they all looked up to him, he remembers Luke stopping to run to their father for a hug when he noticed Steve didn’t do it and even as a teenager, Steve had seen the hurt in his father’s eyes and all he’d thought had been “good.”

How fucked up is that?

Steve opens the door of the car and bends down, making as if to vomit onto the road but nothing is coming out. Jesus, when was even the last time he ate anything? The sound his throat is making is pathetic. He’s pathetic.

Jesus, what is he doing? Steve takes a deep breath, sits straight back inside the car and closes the door, opening the window because the car feels stuffy.

Steve leans his head against the headrest. What is he going to tell his brother and sisters? He can’t tell them the truth about their mother. He just can’t.

God, what if somehow, deep down, Nell and Luke remember that night? Because Steve didn’t see the whole scene but that tea had been poured for four people and he remembers how his mother was in Nell’s and Luke’s room one of those last days, and he was the last one to be woken up. Shirley told him days later that she had been in the foyer when their dad had come running down with both Nell and Luke in his arms and how he’d told her to go to the car with them, right now, don’t come back, no matter what.

What if that was what had made Luke get into cocaine and all that other shit in the first place? What if that was what had made Nell a bit… unbalanced?

God, Steve doesn’t even know anymore what’s real and what isn’t. His mother… was she really insane? Or was it the influence of the presences in the house, the really evil ones, that got into her head? Or maybe it was both. Steve puts both hands against his eyes and he’s not touching the steering wheel and he doesn’t have the seat belt on but he still feels trapped.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” Steve says and it barely sounds like words, he’s sobbing so hard and he can’t remember the last time he cried this hard, not when he heard of Nellie’s death, not even of his mother’s.

What is he going to tell Luke, Theo and Shirl when he gets to the hospital? Luke is probably going to say something insensitive and Steve is sure he’s going to punch him the face, just because he can’t punch himself.

He imagines telling them the truth. Not about their mother, no, not that, never that, but about their father. How they can all go back in the house and they’ll see him, and their mother and Nell and even Abigail, Luke still remembers her, he wrote a story about her, right?

But then Steve also remembers watching the red door close on his parents and Nell and they didn’t look sad. They were dead but they were together and even now it’s taking all he’s got not to go back to that damn house to cry into his mother’s arms and the only thing keeping him stuck to the floor is the fact that he isn’t sure he’d be ably to pry himself away.

That house belongs to the dead. That’s not Steve and he’s going to be damn sure it isn’t any of his siblings anytime soon.

Steve takes a deep breath.

It took a while but eventually the five of them started sharing stories about their mother after her death. The way she always looked so nicely dressed, the way she told stories, how she always had time for them and now they’re starting to tell stories about Nell too and he’s going to make sure they speak about their father. The good things.

Like how much Steve loved how his father counted on him for a lot of things. How he treated him like a man even though, looking back, he was still a kid. But it never felt like too much weight on his shoulders. No, just enough to be able to walk forward by himself, but knowing that his father wasn’t far behind, always ready to catch him if he fell.

They’re going to remember the good things about him. How he was an awful cook but could fix pretty much anything in the house and how he sometimes used to sit with the five of them and tell them about the car he wanted to buy after they sold the house and he’d ask them what they would do when they were rich but shh, don’t tell your mother, she thinks this is bad luck, but there’s no harm in a little dreaming, is there?

Steve pulls his hands away from his face. He puts the seat belt on. Turns on the car. Takes a deep breath. And then he hits the road.

 


End file.
